It was a normal morning on 742 Evergreen Terrace.
Marge got up early to make breakfast, and decided to get the newspaper.
Her eyes widened when she saw the headline: "BART SIMPSON DECLARED WORLD'S GREATEST SEX MACHINE"
'Well, he certainly didn't get THAT from his father...' She bitterly thought to herself, and took it inside, engrossed in the article within.
Lisa approached her Mom, who was sitting in a chair reading the newspaper.
"Uh, Mom? Can we have breakfast? We're starving..."
"Not now honey I'm reading the newspaper." Marge flatly replied.
"Mom, you've been reading it for three hours." Lisa pointed out.
"I'm fantasizing!" The blue haired woman snapped, causing her daughter to recoil in fear.
Just then, the front door opened. "Daddy got donuts!" Homer said, entering the house while waving around the box.
All three of his kids rushed over, excited by both unhealthy desserts, and food in general at this point.
Hours passed, and Marge was still sitting with that newspaper.
Actually reading the sports results now, but still the same paper.
Homer walked through the living room, and she leaped out of her chair and tackled him in a squeezing hug, causing him to let out a soft grunt of impact.
"Homie, let's go snuggle..."She said with pure lust, rubbing his arm seductively.
"Not now Marge, I'm taking Lisa for a walk." Homer whined, shaking her off.
His wife crossed her arms and huffed at him. "Since when do YOU go for walks?"
"Ever since that hot dog stand opened, now come on Lisa, Daddy's buying!" He yelled for her, and she rushed down the stairs excitedly.
"I hope they have veggie dogs!" She exclaimed. "I don't see why the dogs would be vegetarian." Homer mused, as they exited the front door.
Marge growled in frustration.
Bart was laying in his room, reading a comic book, when his door slowly opened.
He looked up to see his mother doing a sensual dance into his room in sexy lingerie.
"Ay caramba!"
Then, the sounds of "snuggling" filled the home...
It was a new day, about a week later.
"Bye bye see you later!" Marge exclaimed, as she physically shoved Homer out of the front door along with Lisa and Maggie, before slamming it shut behind him.
"Bye honey!" Homer obliviously responded, and began walking to his car.
"Dad, don't you find this weird?" Lisa asked, following him.
"Oh Lisa, everyone needs bread." He replied as he strapped Maggie into her car seat, and Lisa climbed into her seat.
"But Mom's been sending specifically us out to buy bread for four days straight! None of us have even eaten any!" The smartest Simpson pointed out.
"I trust your mother's judgement. If she says we need bread, we need bread." Her father replied, closing her door, before climbing into the driver's seat.
"Can we at least get the bread at the Kwik-E-Mart this time?" Lisa suggested. "Why does she insist we have to drive to Shelbyville to get it every day?"
Homer lit up. "Heyyy, that's a great idea! That'd save us so much time! Thanks sweetie!" He remarked, ruffling her hair affectionately.
In record time, they had their bread and were on their way home.
The trio entered the house with their grocery bag.
Homer headed to the kitchen with the bag and Maggie, while Lisa headed upstairs to her room.
But as she walked down the hall... she heard noises coming from Bart's room.
Suspicious noises.
She crept over to his door, which wasn't latched all the way, and pushed it open just enough to peak in with one eye...
And she saw everything.
She slammed a hand over her mouth to keep herself from screaming, and ran downstairs.
"Dad Dad Dad Dad!" She yelled in panic, as she ran into the kitchen, where Homer was heavily debating which cabinet to put the bread in, while Maggie sat in her high chair eating a slice.
"What's wrong? Did we get the wrong kind?" Her father asked, looking at the bag.
"No! It- it's Mom and Bart, in his room! They're- they're- they're having SEX!" She exclaimed, unable to put it any lighter.
Homer did a bewildered double take, before sputtering with laughter. "Oh sweetie, your eyes were just playing tricks on you." He tried to reassure her, the very idea sounding so foreign and unbelievable to him.
"Dad I'm serious! That must be why she wanted us out of the house so much!" His daughter insisted.
Homer sighed. "Alright, I'll go look. But I'm telling you, it's just a big misunderstanding." He said, tossing the bag of bread on the floor, and walking into the living room.
He headed up the steps, casually talking to Lisa. "We'll go in, and they'll just be doing homework or something. They certainly won't be having-" He cluelessly pushed Bart's door open and walked into the room, turning his head from Lisa to the sight in front of him.
"SEEEEEEXXXXX!!!!" He screamed.
"Marge, what the hell is wrong with you?!" Homer yelled.
"You just wish you were half the man he is, limp dick!" Marge snarled.
"Bart, WHY?!" Lisa asked.
"Hey, I dated Shauna! She's a high schooler!" Bart retorted.
"Why'd you do that?" Homer questioned.
"She was hot!"
"Okay that's a good reason, but still she's way too old for you! You're grounded!" His father replied.
"Uh, Dad, more pressing concerns than Shauna right now." Lisa said, gesturing back to Marge.
"Oh. Right."
"He is NOT being grounded! He's my special little guy and he can do whatever he wants!" Marge angrily replied, squeezing him to her chest too tightly, to the point of suffocating him.
"Fine then! You're BOTH grounded!" Homer said, and stormed out of the room, slamming the door behind him.
"H-hey wait, don't leave me in here with THEM!" Lisa yelled, opening the door and running after him.
Lisa sat across from Homer at the kitchen table. "Dad, you've gotta get us out of here! This isn't a good environment for a child's growth!" She told him.
"It's fine Lisa, we just never look at Marge ever again, and pretend that she's not in the house." He mumbled with resentment, playing with a slice of bread.
"What about Maggie?! We can't leave Maggie alone with her!" His daughter countered, and he finally perked up.
"...You're right. I've gotta take extreme action!" He declared with determination. "I'm taking you kids across state lines!"
He leaped out of his chair, and started running out of the kitchen, before he was stopped by Lisa yelling after him. "WAIT WAIT WAIT! Not state lines! Just to a different house!"
"Oh. That's not as fun." He sadly remarked.
"None of this is fun!"
That night, Homer and Lisa silently gathered things around the house to take with them, including Maggie.
Just as they were about to sneak out of the back door, Bart caught them on his way to get a drink from the kitchen. "What the hell are you two doing?"
"Bart! We're running away! Come with us boy, It's your last chance at salvation!" His father whisper yelled at him.
"No way, man! I'm livin' in luxury! What boy wouldn't wanna bang his hot stud of a mom when his lazy dad isn't doing the job?" He snidely replied.
Homer growled. "WHY YOU LITTLE..." He lunged out, and started strangling Bart.
"Dad, couldn't you have found anywhere else for us to stay?" Lisa whined, looking around Barney's trashed apartment.
"Lisa, Barney is a very well put together and respected member of society." Homer replied, setting Maggie down on the couch.
"And a helicopter pilot!" Barney replied, drinking a cup of coffee.
"Oh, he's on coffee right now instead of beer, I guess this is fine then." Lisa conceded, sitting beside her baby sister.
A few days later, after Barney had given them all coffee in the morning and went out for his job, the trio sat around in the living room drinking their cups of joe while the TV played in the background.
"Stupid Marge... Stupid Bart... Stupid revenge plans, can't come up with em..." Homer grumbled angrily to himself.
Lisa frowned. "Dad, I don't think there's much we can do. Even if we called the police, we don't have any evidence, and neither of them would ever admit to what they're doing."
"Daawwwoooo..." Homer groaned, deflating. "You're right, Lisa... We lost... Our family's ruined..." He sadly admitted defeat, dropping his chin into the palms of his hands.
"Don't say that! You've gotta have hope in trying times! You never know, maybe a miracle will happen!" Lisa tried to comfort him.
Just then, Kent Brockman cut into the TV.
"BREAKING NEWS! A miracle has occurred today! Local mother Marge Simpson has just announced that she's pregnant with her son's child!"
Homer and Lisa cringed simultaneously, uttering a synchronized "D'oh!"
